Through The Darkness Behind Blue Eyes
by jennied
Summary: An angsty Chandler story, AU set in Season 3. What do you do when your whole world falls apart? Please read and review! A new chapter finally posted!
1. Where Do I Begin

**Author's Note** – This is an AU story set in Season 3 around the time Chandler split up with Janice. It's an angsty Chandler story – the poor guy, he gets tortured so much but he fits the part so well.

Anyway please read and review with any comments or suggestions you have; put whatever you want really lol :)

Feedback is always appreciated.

Thanks

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My purpose was always to be the one with the jokes. The one with a smart remark, a witty comment or a one liner. I was always the one to make everyone laugh and smile. That was me.

My purpose.

Chandler Bing – the joker, the prankster, the mocker. I always believed I was happy and content with my role in the group and I truly was until _it _happened.

The moment that changed my life.

The moment that made me re-evaluate and question everything.

The moment that screwed everything up.

When I looked back at my life the truth was distorted. I didn't see what I used to see. All I could see was me being the butt of everyone's jokes. I'd only ever chosen to believe that it was funny, that they didn't mean it and it was all just a bit of harmless fun.

I knew I'd made jokes about people but I never meant it and everybody knew that. I was never serious; I would never intentionally make anyone feel bad. For me it always was just fun; but when it came to me it was no joke – I was weak and pathetic, a loser, a doormat, the consolation prize, the one that nobody really wanted… didn't really need. That's how I felt and that's why I did it.

Maybe I took things to heart, no I know I took things to heart, but I'd changed. What happened killed the real me and feelings of paranoia and insecurity ate away at me. I couldn't face another day living that existence. I couldn't make any sense of anything anymore and I didn't see the point in trying to. Just being there to provide the entertainment was not something I needed. Not when I thought I'd never be able tolaugh or smileagain. I didn't want that to be all there was to life. I know I was loved, but I was so far gone at the time, that it didn't matter. They didn't know how I felt, it wasn't their fault. I was stupid I had problems that were bigger than me but I bottled them all up, never talking about them – not being able to – it hurt to much and if I didn't talk about it then I could almost deny it, pretend it wasn't true, that it hadn't happened. But it had and eventually I couldn't take it anymore, I couldn't keep going when I couldn't see any light at the end of the tunnel and so that's why I did it…


	2. More Than Just A Break Up

**Author's Note – I've finally got an update for you's. Thanks for the reviews I appreciate them, they make me smile :)! More Chandler angst coming up – I have an illness, I can't help it, I love making him suffer lol! Just a warning that these chapters are a bit dark. But other than that I hope you enjoy and please review!**

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**'Hey Chan.' Joey said knocking on Chandler's bedroom door. 'We're all heading to Central Perk – you coming?' 

No reply.

'Chandler?' Joey asked again. 'I know you're in there, you can't avoid us forever.'

Still no reply. Joey frowned. He knew something was wrong but he couldn't quite put his finger on what it was. Chandler hadn't been himself for a while, but when Joey had mentioned it to the others they'd just said he was depressed about his break up with Janice and he'd be back to his normal self soon. Joey had this feeling that it was more than that though. He knew he could be a little slow on the uptake sometimes but when it came to his friends; things were crystal clear. He could read them like books and he just knew that there was something wrong.

'Chandler will you please just come out with us.' Joey said.

Chandler opened the door and looked at Joey. 'I haven't been avoiding you.' He stated.

'Uh, yeh sure you haven't.' Joey said rolling his eyes.

'I haven't.' Chandler reiterated.

Joey sighed. 'I know there's something wrong with you, would you just tell me what it is already.'

'There's nothing wrong with me.' Chandler shouted. Joey physically flinched; he was hurt; he was only trying to help. Chandler knew it and immediately felt bad. Joey didn't deserve that but Chandler had been so sure that he'd been doing a good job of covering up his feelings. He should have known he couldn't hide anything from Joey, he just knew him to well.

'I'm fine.' Chandler said smiling to try and prove his point.

Joey looked wary like he didn't quite believe it.

Chandler looked at him and cracked a joke, albeit a lame one by his standards, but it made Joey laugh and drop the interrogation. Chandler sighed as he followed Joey out of the Apartment, things were getting too complicated and he didn't know how much longer he could keep up the pretence…

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'Hey guys.' Ross, Rachel, Phoebe and Monica said as Joey and Chandler entered Central Perk. 

'Hey.' Joey replied. Chandler just nodded and sat down. Joey frowned at him as he sat on the couch with Monica and Phoebe. Ross was sat in a chair with Rachel on his lap.

'So you know how I told you about that customer at work.' Monica started.

'Yeah.' Everyone answered.

Chandler drowned them out, the chat was so mundane and he had bigger problems. He didn't want to be sat in the stupid coffee house pretending everything was fine when it wasn't - but he had no good reason to not be there; not one he could give them anyway.

Joey noticed Chandler's lack of interest in the conversation and kept looking at him. He glared at him wondering why he was being so hostile.

Finally having enough Joey turned to Chandler whilst the others continued talking.

'Hey.' Joey whispered.

'Huh?' Chandler replied uninterested not even looking at him.

'Dude what is up?' Joey asked.

Chandler rolled his eyes. 'Nothing.' He huffed.

'Seriously there is, stop lying to me, I want to know what's bugging you.'

'There's nothing to tell.' Chandler hissed.

'Chandler.' Joey insisted.

Chandler looked at Rachel and Ross who were kissing and Monica and Phoebe who were smiling and laughing. He felt sick and uncomfortable. He never used to feel this way, but he couldn't even be around his friends anymore. It killed him that he wasn't the person who he used to be. It killed him that he couldn't feel happy anymore. Chandler quickly blinked back tears. The action did not go unnoticed by Joey.

'Chandler are you ok?' He asked full of concern.

'For god's sake will you just leave me alone!' Chandler snapped.

The others all looked up at the sudden noise; expecting an explanation. They didn't get one. Chandler just got up and ran out of the coffee house not being able to deal with all of the staring. Joey shook his head.

'Now do you believe that this isn't just about Janice?' He said worriedly. The others all nodded sombrely and followed Joey who was already running after Chandler…


	3. Succumbing To The Darkness

Chandler ran up the stairs gasping for breath, he couldn't get back to his Apartment fast enough. It was his safe haven; his protection from the world that right now he couldn't deal with. He entered Apartment 19 and locked the door. He knew the group would be following him after his sudden exit from Central Perk and he knew they'd be trying to get into the Apartment but he didn't want to see them.

He couldn't face them… not now… not ever.

They'd want an explanation and Chandler didn't have one, he couldn't explain, he didn't want to…if he didn't say it out loud then he could pretend it hadn't happened and somehow it'd be easier to deal with.

Chandler put his back against the door and slid to the floor. He knew denial wasn't working anymore. He was not dealing with what had happened, he was not coping, he was not ok. He put his arms around his knees and started to cry.

He never cried… not even when it had happened… but this time tears flowed freely; a release from the pain that burned inside.

Then there was banging – five fists hammering on the door.

'Chandler, come on, let us in.' Monica.

'Sweetie we just want to know that you're ok.' Rachel.

'Yeh man we just want to help.' Ross.

'Chandler Bing open this door right now!' Phoebe.

'Buddy please, you're hurting and I want to know why. You shouldn't be alone. Come on I'm really worried about you.' Joey.

Worry… sympathy… pity…friends. Chandler knew he didn't deserve it… didn't deserve them. He was pathetic.

He got up and walked into the bathroom. He opened the bathroom cabinet and saw them… they were beautiful.

Chandler took the bottle and undid the top. He placed the pills into his hand, staring at them for a minute. They looked so tempting; he knew they would make his demons go away… he knew they would make everything better. Chandler poured himself a glass of water and looked again at the pills – could he really do this? That line of thought made tears roll down his cheeks and he knew he had to – he had to stop the pain. Chandler put the pills into his mouth; took a sip of the water and swallowed. He didn't want to be here anymore. What was the point in carrying on when everyday was a struggle to get through, what was the point when some days he had to force himself to just get out of bed. Nobody would miss him. As Chandler swallowed the pills he smiled, feeling an eerie sense of peace wash over him. He walked into the living room and sat in his barca lounger. He knew now things would be better.

As he became drowsy, he became oblivious to the panicking outside the door, oblivious to everything until finally he succumbed to the darkness…


	4. Enough With The Keys

**Author's Note - **Well I have finally updated this story,I am soosorry about how long it has taken. I have had serious writer's block but I am getting back into the swing of things. I have like a million stories to update but this was the oneI chose to do first. Hope you like the latest chapter.

Please review thank you!

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The gang stood outside Apartment 19 hammering on the door. Time ticked by. It was as if each second was signalling the increasing tension. No one was prepared to say it out loud but they were all worried about what Chandler might be capable of right now.

'Come on Chandler, let us in.' Joey shouted, kicking the door in frustration.

'Joe take it easy.' Ross said gently. 'Breaking your foot is not going to help the situation.'

Joey sat on the floor with his back against the door. 'How the hell are we going to get in.' He lamented.

Suddenly inspiration hit Monica, she couldn't believe she hadn't thought about it before, it was so simple.

'Joey don't you have your key?' She asked proudly.

Joey looked sheepish. 'Chandler took his; I didn't think I'd need mine!' He answered awkwardly.

'Joey.' Monica snapped. 'You should always take your keys in case of emergencies, this wouldn't have happened if…'

Phoebe cut her off. 'Monica now isn't the time.' She said. Phoebe could see Joey looked guilt ridden and he didn't need to be made to feel any worse than he already did.

Monica sighed. 'You're right, I'm sorry. I'm just so worried.' She said.

Joey was stung by Monica's comment. 'Yeh like you can talk about taking keys.' He muttered under his breath referring to the infamous Thanksgiving incident, when dinner had been ruined.

'What?' Monica said angrily.

'Guys…guys.' Ross shouted, trying to break the tension. 'I know everyone is worried but we're losing focus here – let's concentrate on getting into the Apartment.'

'He's been quiet for a while now.' Rachel said pressing her ear against the door to illustrate her point.

'Doesn't anyone have a spare key?' Monica asked going back to her plan.

They all shook their heads, everyone had a key to Monica and Rachel's apartment because that's where everyone hung out, but only Joey and Chandler had keys to Apartment 19.

'Then I guess there's only one thing for it then.' Joey shrugged. 'No one has a key so the door's gotta go.'

Ross looked shocked. 'That's kind of drastic Joe can't you just ask Treeger if he has a spare?' He suggested.

'That'll take too long.' Joey replied fraught. 'I've got to get in there now, who knows what state Chandler's in.'

'He wouldn't do anything stupid would he?' Rachel asked biting her lip.

'No of course not.' Monica said, glaring at Rachel, she was trying her best not to think about that possibility right now so she didn't need to hear it.

Joey sighed heavily and got up.

'Chandler.' He shouted, knocking on the door. 'I'm giving you one last chance to open this door; if you don't then I'm breaking it down.'

There was no reply.

'Fine.' Joey said in monotone. 'Stand back everyone.'

Everyone huddled on the step. Ross wrapped his arms around Rachel in an attempt to comfort her. Monica held onto Phoebe's hand in an attempt to stop her own from shaking, she silently prayed everything would be alright. Phoebe squeezed her hand reassuringly as if reading her thoughts.

Joey walked towards Apartment 20 and stood with his back against the wall. He took a deep breath and then ran towards Apartment 19 slamming into the door.

It didn't open.

Joey started cursing; the situation was beginning to seriously get to him. He ran back and slammed into the door again, this time with more power and an increased sense of urgency.

This time the door flew open.

However Joey had not anticipated the force that would be created and he fell to the floor narrowly missing the foosball table. He got up and rubbed his shoulder, pain shot through his body.

He forgot all about it though when he saw Chandler slumped in the chair. He ran over to him and recoiled in horror when he saw the empty bottle of pills.

Joey felt like he'd been punched in the stomach and he stifled the urge to cry out.

He looked up to see everyone crowded in the doorway. Joey shook his head tears shining in his eyes, it was bad, Chandler did not look good. Rachel buried her head into Ross' chest, who put an arm around her. The other arm he put around Monica, who was quietly sobbing.

Phoebe just walked over to the phone and calmly picked it up, she had been in this position before, she knew what she had to do. She dialled 911 and asked for an ambulance…


	5. Unfinished Business

**Author's Note - Wahey! I finally have an update of this story for you. Ok so admittedly this chapter is kind of a filler but heck at least it's something. I am so sorry for the incredibly long time it has taken me to do this but the next chapter is where it'll start getting interesting. So as always thank you for all of the reviews I have received and thank you for the feedback and sticking with the story. I'm really glad you are all enjoying it. Anyway I shall leave you now to read this chapter and as always please don't forget to review with your comments and general musings lol :)**

**Also I apologise for any mistakes with the doctor bit, I don't have any medical knowledge so if you spot anything weird just pretend it's not really there lol :)**

**Thank you!**

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The gang had been ushered into the hospital waiting room when Chandler had been admitted and they were now desperately waiting for news. Joey stood pacing up and down whilst Ross, Rachel and Monica just sat staring into space. Phoebe was sipping a coffee and trying to think of ways to reassure everybody.

'It's going to be ok.' She said breaking the silence, nobody answered but she had to say something, she hated the quietness, it wasn't normal for them, things were usually so loud and hectic. There was always something going on, trivial or otherwise. This was an example of the otherwise but no matter what was going in their lives there was always talking… and laughter!

'Chandler will be fine, I know it.' She continued even though she had had no response before.

'How?' Joey suddenly spoke. 'How do you know that everything is going to be ok Phoebe?' He asked, it came out harshly but at that moment he didn't care.

Phoebe looked at him, into his brown eyes that were always so child like but were now etched with pain. She smiled. 'Because it's Chandler, he is stronger than this, we need him and he has unfinished business, I will not let anything happen to him! I won't allow it! Something's happened and I have to know what he's been hiding from us.'

Tears rolled down Joey's face and Phoebe got up to hug him. Ross, Rachel and Monica broke out of their reverie and joined the hug too.

'I should have taken my keys.' Joey whispered. 'You were right Monica, this is my fault, it would never have happened if…'

Monica cut him off. 'No I was wrong Joey; this is not your fault. None of us ever take keys.'

'Well we should take keys.' Joey said.

'Ooh ok. Alright that's it. Enough with the keys. No one say keys.' Phoebe shrieked reminiscent of the Thanksgiving incident. Joey and Monica smiled sadly at the memory. That day had started off as a total disaster but had ended up being one of the best Thanksgivings ever. They'd promised they would always celebrate Thanksgiving together after that.

'Sorry hun.' Monica said squeezing Joey's hand, trying to ease the look of guilt from his eyes.

'Joey.' Phoebe started; he looked at her sensing a lecture coming on. 'Chandler would have done this whatever if not now then it would have been some other time, he obviously has a problem, he's chosen not to talk to us about it but I will kick his ass when I see him and make sure he does.' Phoebe joked. She knew the situation was serious but she had to try and keep things light, Chandler would have done exactly the same thing. That was who he was… or who he used to be… and everybody wanted the old Chandler back.

They only hoped they would get him back…

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After a couple of hours of anxious waiting a young looking Doctor finally approached the group and introduced himself.

'Hello I'm Dr Albie. Are you Mr Bing's relatives?' He asked.

'No, we're his friends.' Ross answered.

Doctor Albie looked genuinely regretful. It was obvious that these people were going through hell right now yet he couldn't tell them anything. 'I am really sorry but I can only give this information to immediate family members. It's hospital policy.' He apologised.

'Well I'm his roommate we're like brothers. Does that not count for anything!' Joey snapped. 'Surely you can tell me what the hells going on.'

'Joe… it's ok.' Ross said facing him, trying to ease the tension. He then turned back to face the Doctor. 'Sorry but you can understand that we're all pretty upset right now.' He sighed then took on his role as the responsible one. 'Chandler doesn't really have any family. I mean of course he does but it's only his parents and he's not that close to them. There's only his mom but she's pretty difficult to get hold of. He doesn't have anybody else.' Ross continued doing his best to explain. 'We're all he has right now.'

'We don't want him to be alone whilst it takes you god knows how long to find his parents.' Monica added fraught.

The Doctor sighed. 'In that case, given the circumstances I can provide you with this information however I would like to contact his mom do you have any details for her?'

Joey nodded. 'I think Chandler's got it written down in his diary somewhere.' He answered.

'Well if you can get me the details as soon as you can.' Dr Albie said.

Joey hesitated. 'It's just I don't know whether I should… read his diary.'

Rachel looked at Joey and sensed that the idea of going through Chandler's personal things made him feel really uncomfortable.

'Can we not just wait to see if Chandler wants his mom here? Shouldn't we respect his wishes?' She asked.

'Does he really feel that strongly about her?' Dr Albie asked.

Ross sighed. 'It's a long story I just think it'd be better if we waited for Chandler on this one.'

'Ok sure.' The Doctor said realising the situation was complicated.

'So Chandler… how is he… is he?' Ross asked.

'When Mr Bing was admitted to the hospital, he was unconscious so he was taken straight to the ICU, where we pumped his stomach. We ran all of the necessary tests to check for any damage and we are currently assessing the results. Mr Bing has come round and has been moved to a private room. However he is very tired and groggy. Since you found him in a short space of time we are fairly sure that everything should be fine. He is responding well to treatment and he should make a full recovery.'

'So he's going to be ok?' Monica asked the relief obvious on her face.

'Physically yes.' Doctor Albie said smiling. 'Mentally however…' He continued his smile subsiding. 'I can't say. Something drastic has obviously occurred for your friend to do this. I would like to refer him to a psychiatrist to uncover why he has done this.'

'Yeh good luck with that one.' Joey muttered.

'I'm sorry?' The Doctor asked confused.

Ross rolled his eyes. 'What my friend meant was that Chandler has issues with therapists but I…' He said pointing to himself. 'Think that is a very good idea. Thank you for all of your help Doctor.'

Doctor Albie smiled at Ross thankful for his support. 'Your friend obviously has problems. In all respects I believe this was probably a cry for help and he is going to need you all to be supportive towards him in the coming weeks. Don't be too hard on him.'

The group nodded sensing the Doctor obviously knew what he was talking about.

'So can we see him?' Monica asked.

'At the moment I wouldn't recommend it. As I said Chandler is still very tired and is pretty much out of it. He's been sleeping for a while now. He needs time to recover. If you like I can get one of the nurses to call you later when he has woken up. That'll give you all time to go home and get some rest yourselves.'

'I need to see him now.' Joey snapped.

'Joey.' Ross chastised him.

'No Ross I need to see him… see what's he done to himself.' Joey retorted.

'Mr…?' The Doctor enquired.

'Tribbiani… Joey.' He stuttered.

'Mr Tribbiani, I really think it would be better if you waited until later…'

'Listen I don't want to wait until later.' Joey replied angrily.

'Joe.' Rachel soothed.

'No for god's sake why will nobody listen to me.' Joey shouted. Then he sighed. 'I'm sorry. I'm just…' He cut off completely shattered.

'It's ok.' The Doctor answered. 'If you feel that strongly you can see him now.'

'Thank you.' Joey said sincerely.

'I can take you to Chandler's room now if you'd like.' The Doctor answered.

'Just give me a minute. Listen guys.' Joey said turning to face them. 'I need to do this alone. I think you should go home freshen up and come back later like the Doctor said.'

'Joey we're not leaving you alone.' Phoebe said frankly.

'Please… I just need to talk to Chandler alone. I'll ring you later… when I'm done.' Joey replied.

Ross looked at Joey knowing he was going to get the truth out of Chandler whatever it took and he knew there was no use arguing with him. He knew the pair needed to be alone for a while.

'Fine just make sure you call us ok?' Ross said.

Joey nodded and he watched as Ross led Monica, Rachel and Phoebe out of the hospital. He then took a deep breath. 'Ok let's go.' He said.

Joey followed Doctor Albie to Chandler's room all the while contemplating what he would say to his best friend… the guy who'd he'd been through so much with… the guy who he thought he knew better than anyone else but was now glaringly obvious that he didn't! Joey wasn't sure what he was going to say… what could he say to the guy who had just attempted to take his own life without giving anyone a reason why…


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